THE DAY SHE WENT AWAY

He couldn't believe it. This was not happening. He pinched himself, yes it was real. But why? Why was she going, what has he done?

They were sitting in the room. He asked her softly on the verge of tears. She bowed her head. He asked her, "So you have made up your mind? You really want to go? She nodded silently. He was confused. What has he done, or rather what has he not done. "What about the kids, if you can't stay for me, can't you at least think about the kids?" He was playing his last card. "I have made up my mind, I am not happy with you anymore. I have to find myself. I will come back for the kids when I have settled down," she whispered.

Jon and Edith have been married for 8 years. When they got married, everyone thought they were a perfect match. Edith was gorgeous and Jon strikingly handsome. They were so much in love or so it seemed. After a year into their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born. In the fifth year, another baby, a girl was born. The family was complete. He thought he had everything, a beautiful wife, 2 lovely kids, a comfortable home. What more could he want. During the 8 years into their marriage, they never fought. Sure there were small tiffs here and there, but nothing serious. In the early years, Edith always made sure she spend the time with the kids during her free time. Lately, she was always doing something like direct selling meetings and outstations. He always give in to her every needs and he never questioned when she comes back late at night or when she suddenly have to go away for a weekend. He never suspected anything and trusted her implicitly. He also never suspected when she was always on her mobile, SMSing, sometimes talking softly. She would always tell him that the call was from a friend and they were talking about their direct-selling business. Yes he trusted her. He never saw it coming.

Was it his fault? His fault for giving in too much to her? He kept on thinking what had gone wrong? His heart was being shredded and yet he couldn't shout or get angry. Jon was in denial, still thinking it was not happening and perhaps it was just a bad dream.

He saw her packed and he left the room. Before that, he told her that she would have to tell the kids herself. He had tried his best, he begged her to think about it. He asked her, who is the man? Does he know him? She remained silent. He went out to the backyard. There he sat on the garden chair, looking at the beautifully landscaped small garden of roses, daisies, lilies, shrubs of herbs that she planted, the cotton candy clouds, the soft gentle breeze, the blackbirds, butterflies. Everything seemed normal. Don't they know he was dying inside?

After a while, he heard her calling him softly, telling him goodbye. He didn't turn. He heard the children cry and the nanny comforting them. He heard the car being driven from their driveway. She had left, she really left. Still he couldn't believe it. He turned to the direction of the driveway, he saw the tail light of her car, it stopped for a moment, then it moved and disappeared. His world has crashed. Then the floodgates of emotion shooked him. He was devastated, he felt cold and hot and then he began to sob. He cried for hours until he couldn't cry anymore. He couldn't remember how long he sat there. It was dark, and when he looked up to the west, to see the last ray of sunset, he gave a deep sigh and put a closure to the event. He heard his little girl calling and running out to him "daddy, daddy" with her outstretched hands. He got up knelt down and scooped the 3-year old, his precious daughter. His son was standing near the door, smiling and Jon felt, he has his world right here, with his beloved kids..and no one can take them away from him, not even their mother...

Rungus Longhouse Experience

Leonie (in Rungus traditional attire) trying out the ladder.

Dinner is served...

Leonie (2nd from left) doing the Rungus dance (can't remember the name)

Rice wrapped in leaves

The Gang

(a continuation of my earlier post "What a Weekend")

I have somewhat recovered from the tiring weekend events. Travelling is fun as we get to see and experience places not seen before, especially living in the longhouse. We stayed in one of the Rungus longhouses in Kudat, a homestay actually. I grew up in a kampong, so living without modern luxuries is really not strange to me. However, this experience was really different. The experience of living with bare basic amenities and somewhat primitive, really make me appreciate what I have now.... and the 'spoilt baby' in me is really thankful that I don't have to live there for long periods....:p. The absence of basic amenities is I think done deliberately to preserve the authenticity of the Rungus traditional way of life during the yesteryears. To me, prime importance is cleanliness and thank goodness it was quite clean. The view from the longhouse was spectacular, of hill padi, fish ponds and greens trees - cool clean air - so refreshing! The longhouse is made out from traditional materials of split bamboo and what looks like tree barks. The rooms were furnished with a mattress, pillows, bed sheets and mosquito nets. Light was powered by a generator which was switched-off at 1am.

The house seemed like it had not been lived-in for a while though - so the creepy crawlies were inevitable and that put me off. Imagine sleeping and suddenly finding scorpions or spiders or other bugs sleeping with you! So we resorted to sleeping in the hall, and then I discovered, there wasn't any door. So we were like sleeping in the open…lol. Thank goodness, the ladder was made out from a tree with cuttings on that served as steps and so no fear of wild animals coming in (but what about humans?). The bathroom cum toilet were way out and there wasn't any proper lights. The torch light wasn’t enough to warn me off the giant ants whose bites felt like fire! Gosh I thought I'd die of pain ..lol! We also had a taste of traditional food like rice wrapped in leaves…(ok will show you pictures). It was a humbling experience and what strikes me most is that the people are so welcoming and hospitable. Thank you folks… we’ll visit again.

.. and so Life Goes on..

Received a text message from my sister at I would think, an ungodly hour at 6am on Saturday morning.  Oh well, I was about to get up anyway, but 'ouch', a splitting headache. Must have been because of a late night, watching some reality shows that ended around midnight and later, the nice warm bed failed to induce sleep to my tired mind and body until I thought I'd go insane.

 But prayers kept my sanity "Lord, grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespassed against me, so I can move on with my life" and I added " And keep me safe till morning light, but if should I die before I wake, I pray my Lord my soul to take, and should I live for other days, I pray that God will guide my ways. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen". And so, in the light of dawn, I slept like a baby until I was rudely awaken by the beep beep of my mobile phone. My sister's text message sounded urgent  "D.....(our niece) called and she said that aunt.. is very very sick. So thought of visiting her today say 10-nish?" I texted back, 'Ok, wait for me, will drive to your house and go together".

I am indeed blessed that I am surrounded by my loving family, my siblings and our extended families, good friends. But I certainly do not take the closeness for granted. The action of give and take amongst us is always, a sort of some unspoken understanding. But back to my sister's message. My sister and her husband, another sister, my brother and his wife began the half hour journey and arrived at my niece's dilapidated house where my aunt lived. My aunt is my dad's only sister.

A Typical Kadazan Village House

We found our aunt who was in her mid-80s in bed. According to her grandaughter (my niece) she has been bedridden for quite a while and have been asking for us. The last we saw her was about 6 months ago. She was awake and when she saw us, she looked at my sister and asked  "who are you?"  but when she saw me, she said  "oh and you are ....... you 're here," she called me by my kampong nickname and she cried.  "Inai (Kadazan word for aunty), how are you?" I asked. I was shocked at how small, thin and shrivelled she has become, a shadow of what she used to be. In her younger days, I remembered a petite but fair and beautiful lady. The remnants of her beauty was still evident through her sharp nose and well-shaped chin. Her used to be almond shape eyes are now hollowed and dark.  A choke came to my chest and my tears threatened to fall. I fought it and said "Inai, it's ok, now don't cry, we are here" and she cried harder. "Now, now please don't cry".   "But I want to die. Everyone, all my friends has died, but I'm still here."  "Hush, why do you say that. Don't say that. When God says it's time to go, it will come."  we comforted her for not knowing what else to say. "But I don't want to be a burden." she cried.

As the rest talked to her, my sister whispered, oh, it's so sad. If it is possible to choose, I don't want to grow this old and I nodded and sigh and said,  "me too, if it is possible to choose, I would like to die like mum. She died at 67, but that's up to the One above" my sister nodded and added "but that's a bit too young" and I added rather quickly "ok, but older than that".  Gosh, we were talking about death like going shopping. I told her that when I was young, I used to pray, "Lord let me die at age 65". My sister giggled, 'Hey be careful for what you wished for, it might come true.. that's not too far from now, like half a year left?!!" she exaggerated the joke of course and we both giggled but it helped lighten the sombre moments.  "Hey, that was when I was a child, what did I know,  so "palis palis" (Kadazan word equivalent to "touchwood').  We stayed for an hour with my aunt dozing on and off after which we said our goodbye with words of comfort. And so the visit intensified my thoughts of my own mortality, morbid thoughts but a fact of life.  But for as long as the sun rises, life goes on and I will embrace it,  until the good and merciful God says it's time to come Home....

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN

J to J to J "wish that's my present"

which one is mine?

Well it’s that time again. The year-end is almost here and it is also the time where people are frantically making plans for holidays with the kids. There are also parents who are either busy choosing holiday classes or tuition for the kids to while away during school holidays, while those without kids or kids who have grown and flew from the nests are busy getting their schedules rearrange for visits to their married children or to prepare for visits from their grandchildren. Those who are not so fortunate, like me, who have long exhausted their leave will be contented to just sit and make do with whatever they have and be in their office filling out for those who go on long leave.

Every year at a time like this, we in the office have the tradition where we will have that exchange of gifts session. Everyone would be asked to pick a name from pieces of papers that will be passed around with names written on it and whoever you picked will be your 'advent child' and you have to buy him or her gift. Last year the minimum price for a gift was fixed at RM15.00. This year however, due to the recession blah...blah, it has been fixed to a minimum of RM10.00. However, one may be allowed to go as high as possible depending on the individual’s generosity. You are not supposed to reveal to anyone who your advent child is, so it is safe for you to buy your gift and not be embarrassed when your gift is not liked!

The nicely wrapped gift will be put under the Christmas tree with the recipient’s name. The ladies especially, will take every opportunity to check whether there are any gift under the tree and any addition will be welcomed with 'ohhhs' and 'aahhhs' while trying to guess the giver and also what’s inside, studying the handwriting and all. It is not so much what the gift is, rather it is the suspense of trying to guess what is inside and who their respective ‘Santa’ is. A week or two before Christmas, the distribution of the gifts followed by a simple lunch will normally be held in the office conference room. Gifts distributed will then be opened. Some would shriek with excitement, some overly excited trying to hide their disappointment with the gifts, while at the same time thanking the mystery ‘Santa’ profusely. Some are quite innovative with their gifts which would please the 'advent child' very much.

I feel that gift chosen should be done with sincerity even though one may not like the recipient but the message in gifts exchanged is also a sort of making amends for whatever wrongs or to show love for one another. Of course, the meaning of giving may differ but ultimately, the message is the same i.e. sharing.


Choices of gifts can tell us many things about the person but at the same time can be misinterpreted too. It is also considered bad manners to give used stuff, free gifts or gifts that may cause discomfort to the recipient. Some will prefer to give or to receive a practical gift, but at time like now when money is tight, some I think will prefer not to go overboard. Whatever it is, I think it is important to communicate our thoughts about gifts. So before purchasing the gift, it is worth considering thinking twice about the message you want to send to that person, because at the end of the day, as the saying goes, it is the thought that counts. As for me, the real joy I derive from giving is choosing and shopping for that gift for the person which equals the joy of receiving.

Have a Happy Gift Shopping Day!

Honey...dinner is served..

I remember my sis’ saying ‘I may not be the greatest cook but you will never starve”. And sis, that applies to me too. There’s not much time to do a lot of cooking during weekdays. So normally, after coming home from work in the evening, I would just dig up something from the fridge and toss some onto the wok..and viola!!..stir-fried vegetables. Or in the morning I’ll just put in the beef, carrots, potatoes, big onions and freshly pounded black pepper together with black pepper sauce, some seasonings, dump everything inside the slow cooker or I call it the magic pot if you will, and by evening, everything would have been nicely cooked, meat tender and that, my dear, is the beef stew, Angie’s version, ok not the most original but what the heck. Sometimes it will be just simple dish like the steamed fish which doesn’t take too long to cook or even deep fried prawn with ‘sambal’. Of course the fish or prawn would have already been prepared or marinated much earlier.

my simple home-cooked food..

from top left: stir-fried veg, beef stew (Angie's version  :p ), white rice with raw cucumber 

and egg and add the sambal prawn (ala nasi lemak)

fried rice, deep fried prawn cooked with sambal and steamed fish fillet..

Come weekend when there’s more time, I prefer to spend a bit more time in the kitchen that is if I ‘rajin’....hehehe, otherwise it will be eat out......but there’s nothing like home-cooked food.

The Nunuk Ragang Affair

I've heard and have been curious about Nunuk Ragang for a long time but have yet to visit the place. So when the Unduk Ngadau Committee received an invitation to escort 7 UNK2010 winners to witness the 26th Anniversary of the installation of the Huguan Siou (Paramount Leader of the KadazanDusun people) on the 10th July, I jumped at the idea. Together with the Unduk Ngadau Chairperson, Puan Jornah and one of my best buds, Teri, we became baby sitters to these lovely girls. We were supposed to begin the 3-hr journey at 6am but the make-up sessions for the girls stretched up to 7.30am! We didn't want to be late for the 10am rituals and certainly didn't want to arrive after the Huguan Siou! Talk about a stressful journey, the long and winding road up to Ranau was a challenged for our driver as he was torn between the safety of his 12 passengers or to speed up to reach the destination on time. Coupled with the long and never ending winding road, we also seemed to be forever trailing behind slow moving cars and trucks laden with gas tanks. I won’t even mention the uneven roads ruined by the landslides!

the background - Nunuk Ragang monument. It is inside this building that the rituals are held.

About a 6km from Nunung Ragang, a convoy of luxurious cars zoomed past our van. Hey.. wasn't that the Huguan Siou's procession!? Then we began to really panic.  Our driver drove so fast now and everyone held on tightly to their seats! From afar, I saw the Nunuk Ragang monument which resembled a fort, with holey windows built on a hill. What a strange and surreal looking building..

Huguan Siou,

The Hon. Tan Sri Datuk Seri Panglima Joseph Pairin Kitingan

and Puan Sri 

The Bobohizans 'blessing' the Huguan Siou.

When we arrived, the Huguan Siou and wife were just about to board a special vehicle just 500 metres from the Nunuk Ragang entrance. We cautiously drove past the crowd 'cos we didn't want to draw their attention. So we managed to arrive first and the girls hurriedly arranged their sashes and everyone stood ready to welcome the Huguan Siou and processions.

 The man in armour, a bodyguard of the Huguan Siou supposedly looked like this in the olden days.

This Nunuk Ragang event not only commemorates the Huguan Siou's installation but also serves to commemorate the original settlement of the Kadazandusun community before spreading to other parts of Sabah. This two-day event made up of a series of interesting events lined up such as the Nunuk Ragang Adventure Challenge, cultural performances and open market or tamu.

Nunuk Ragang is derived from two KadazanDusun words – Nunuk and Aragang. Nunuk is the local name for a banyan tree, and Aragang means red. It was said that there was a giant red banyan tree in the original village which provided shelter and food for the inhabitants. According to the legend, the Nunuk Ragang is the name of the village where the Kadazandusun people originated. It is located at the intersection of the left (Liwagu Kogibangan) and right (Liwagu Kawananan) branches of the Liwagu River to the east of Ranau and Tambunan.. The also legend tells us that the first encounter the KadazanDusun had with outsiders was with Chinese adventurers who had settled in the Kinabatangan and Labuk areas. This first encounter was followed by the first marriage of the daughter of a KadazanDusun chief to one of the Chinese heroes, who was rich enough to afford the dowry of 7 huge jars plus copper and silver wares.

The monument built by the KadazanDusun Cultural Association (KDCA) in 2004 is believed to be erected in that original settlement and now KDCA conducts annual pilgrimages to this site, timed to coincide with the installation anniversary of the paramount leader, Huguan Siou, The Hon. Tan Sri Joseph Pairin Kitingan, held usually in the month of July.

SHE IS JUST AWAY...

My late Mom

Today marks the 6th anniversary of my mom's passing away. Memories of that fateful Sunday morning, 26th October 2003 when she left never to return, still felt very raw. My mom at 67, was quite sickly then but still very active and she was the type who never sat still for long. My brother who rushed her to the hospital that morning later told us that she has been attacked by acute asthma and efforts by the doctor to revive her was in vain. It came as a shock to us all and at that moment when I saw her lifeless body in the hospital bed, it hit me that she was gone forever, I suddenly felt lost. I felt I couldn't breath. How do we go on without her? How can she go - no no no ...not our mother. She was supposed to be here for us for a long long time.

There were still so many things we wanted to do for her, still so many things not accomplished. I haven't told her enough that I loved and appreciated all that she had done, had sacrificed for me, for us. We thought that there was still plenty of time. Little did we know that God was to take her home that day.

Till we meet her someday, we will hold on to the memories. Lord God, please grant our mom eternal peace....Meanwhile, I'd just say, she's not gone, she's just away....

But oh God, how  I miss her..