Received a text message from my sister at I would think, an ungodly hour at 6am on Saturday morning. Oh well, I was about to get up anyway, but 'ouch', a splitting headache. Must have been because of a late night, watching some reality shows that ended around midnight and later, the nice warm bed failed to induce sleep to my tired mind and body until I thought I'd go insane.
But prayers kept my sanity "Lord, grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespassed against me, so I can move on with my life" and I added " And keep me safe till morning light, but if should I die before I wake, I pray my Lord my soul to take, and should I live for other days, I pray that God will guide my ways. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen". And so, in the light of dawn, I slept like a baby until I was rudely awaken by the beep beep of my mobile phone. My sister's text message sounded urgent "D.....(our niece) called and she said that aunt.. is very very sick. So thought of visiting her today say 10-nish?" I texted back, 'Ok, wait for me, will drive to your house and go together".
I am indeed blessed that I am surrounded by my loving family, my siblings and our extended families, good friends. But I certainly do not take the closeness for granted. The action of give and take amongst us is always, a sort of some unspoken understanding. But back to my sister's message. My sister and her husband, another sister, my brother and his wife began the half hour journey and arrived at my niece's dilapidated house where my aunt lived. My aunt is my dad's only sister.
We found our aunt who was in her mid-80s in bed. According to her grandaughter (my niece) she has been bedridden for quite a while and have been asking for us. The last we saw her was about 6 months ago. She was awake and when she saw us, she looked at my sister and asked "who are you?" but when she saw me, she said "oh and you are ....... you 're here," she called me by my kampong nickname and she cried. "Inai (Kadazan word for aunty), how are you?" I asked. I was shocked at how small, thin and shrivelled she has become, a shadow of what she used to be. In her younger days, I remembered a petite but fair and beautiful lady. The remnants of her beauty was still evident through her sharp nose and well-shaped chin. Her used to be almond shape eyes are now hollowed and dark. A choke came to my chest and my tears threatened to fall. I fought it and said "Inai, it's ok, now don't cry, we are here" and she cried harder. "Now, now please don't cry". "But I want to die. Everyone, all my friends has died, but I'm still here." "Hush, why do you say that. Don't say that. When God says it's time to go, it will come." we comforted her for not knowing what else to say. "But I don't want to be a burden." she cried.
As the rest talked to her, my sister whispered, oh, it's so sad. If it is possible to choose, I don't want to grow this old and I nodded and sigh and said, "me too, if it is possible to choose, I would like to die like mum. She died at 67, but that's up to the One above" my sister nodded and added "but that's a bit too young" and I added rather quickly "ok, but older than that". Gosh, we were talking about death like going shopping. I told her that when I was young, I used to pray, "Lord let me die at age 65". My sister giggled, 'Hey be careful for what you wished for, it might come true.. that's not too far from now, like half a year left?!!" she exaggerated the joke of course and we both giggled but it helped lighten the sombre moments. "Hey, that was when I was a child, what did I know, so "palis palis" (Kadazan word equivalent to "touchwood'). We stayed for an hour with my aunt dozing on and off after which we said our goodbye with words of comfort. And so the visit intensified my thoughts of my own mortality, morbid thoughts but a fact of life. But for as long as the sun rises, life goes on and I will embrace it, until the good and merciful God says it's time to come Home....
But prayers kept my sanity "Lord, grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other. Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespassed against me, so I can move on with my life" and I added " And keep me safe till morning light, but if should I die before I wake, I pray my Lord my soul to take, and should I live for other days, I pray that God will guide my ways. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen". And so, in the light of dawn, I slept like a baby until I was rudely awaken by the beep beep of my mobile phone. My sister's text message sounded urgent "D.....(our niece) called and she said that aunt.. is very very sick. So thought of visiting her today say 10-nish?" I texted back, 'Ok, wait for me, will drive to your house and go together".
I am indeed blessed that I am surrounded by my loving family, my siblings and our extended families, good friends. But I certainly do not take the closeness for granted. The action of give and take amongst us is always, a sort of some unspoken understanding. But back to my sister's message. My sister and her husband, another sister, my brother and his wife began the half hour journey and arrived at my niece's dilapidated house where my aunt lived. My aunt is my dad's only sister.
A Typical Kadazan Village House
We found our aunt who was in her mid-80s in bed. According to her grandaughter (my niece) she has been bedridden for quite a while and have been asking for us. The last we saw her was about 6 months ago. She was awake and when she saw us, she looked at my sister and asked "who are you?" but when she saw me, she said "oh and you are ....... you 're here," she called me by my kampong nickname and she cried. "Inai (Kadazan word for aunty), how are you?" I asked. I was shocked at how small, thin and shrivelled she has become, a shadow of what she used to be. In her younger days, I remembered a petite but fair and beautiful lady. The remnants of her beauty was still evident through her sharp nose and well-shaped chin. Her used to be almond shape eyes are now hollowed and dark. A choke came to my chest and my tears threatened to fall. I fought it and said "Inai, it's ok, now don't cry, we are here" and she cried harder. "Now, now please don't cry". "But I want to die. Everyone, all my friends has died, but I'm still here." "Hush, why do you say that. Don't say that. When God says it's time to go, it will come." we comforted her for not knowing what else to say. "But I don't want to be a burden." she cried.
